Re-connecting the dots...

  Are your values driven by your culture or pure love? - Ashok
 

It is my first trip abroad during my post graduate college days. I wore black shorts which is a kind of trouser fit, which I loved it for the feel of the cloth and a t-shirt. It is one of my very comfortable outfits. I liked it because of its simplicity and body comfort. My mother and brother who accompanied me to the airport, knew that I am not going to listen to their views about my dress. It didn’t matter to me what others would say, even if it is going to be my first visit on the airplane to the UK to present my research paper in TQM research conference.

As I entered the Chennai airport, I found a guy fully dressed in suit and coat and faring good bye to his family and friends with a lot of pride about his trip abroad, which is very usual here. Possibly, he is leaving for his higher studies and I wondered how he is going to travel in that outfit for the next 11 hours sitting in the seat of the plane. I smiled to myself and said am easy and cool with my outfit, though many were looking at me a little differently. Although I was quizzed by one of the Indian Police, things went fine as they checked my research papers and let me board the plane.

No doubt I grew up so strong in my self and what is important to me….very very internally referenced Principles I had!! My comfort is more important than what others would think about me and my dress….I had a reason!!

My debate on spirituality and culture started very young with one of my uncle converted to Christianity, pursuing what was true to him. I remember writing a Tamil poem during my school days about my thoughts on God. I wrote all religions leads to the same source. Each religion is different because they come from different groups of people living in different places on the earth. Having said this, I have a deep respect for the culture in which I grew up and I saw myself as a torch bearer of the values of my ancient culture in this modern society. My culture cultured me to what I thought is a decent way of living life. When I matured enough to think on my own, I went on to read a lot of cultural scriptures to sharpen my thinking on what is important to me in the way I live my life in this world.

During my childhood days, my parents took me to the annual festival celebrations where we would have speeches by noted speakers, interesting debates about the characters and the values that they brought with them in the great epics Ramayana and Mahabharata and what learnings can be useful for today’s life. I especially used to get lost in those interesting, exciting, humorous, intellectual debates about self, life and God.

I was of the type, when I looked at someone crossing a cultural barrier; I would more probably sound “oh! My culture” is not being kept. What will happen if the world goes this way? I lived those days cherishing the richness of the past of my homeland and in the fear of what would happen to that richness in the future, if it is not kept by me and my fellow people properly?

Whenever there is an informal canteen debates on Indian Culture & Foreign Cultures in my college, more probably I would be one of the front runners in that debate supporting the Indian Culture and its values. When I went deeper and deeper studying my culture, I started realizing there were two kind of approaches adopted by some of our historians to keep building the cultural richness in India.

One is to glorify the necessary Eg. Swami Vivekanada’s emphasis on Raja Yoga, Karma Yoga, Gnana Yoga, etc... and other is to weed-out the unnecessary. Eg. Rajaram Mohan Roy leading a movement against the practice of “Sati” (Sati is a practice, in which when a husband dies, the wife needs to kill herself by entering the fire of the funeral….Yes!!!!!!! so harsh!!!!!!!).

The question now which are those practices to be glorified and to be weeded-out? There is no one answer for this question, as every one had their own answer and I started finding my answers for them by questioning each and every practice that I  came across (Thanks to my mother’s patience) and there by creating guidelines for my life.

Things become more and more unclear as I started going deeper and deeper. I did not know what happens after death. I was not sure which the right way to live life is, studying various scriptures of my religion.

There was an interesting saying, which was a kind of puzzle and a metaphor to understand the answer.

It is

“Kandavar Vindilar 
Vindavar Kandilar”…

This means 

“The one who has seen it will not talk about it and the one, who says he had seen it and is talking about it, has not really seen it.”

At one point, I gave-up thinking that I will take on this spiritual research during my old-age which is supposed to be the period of intense spiritual contemplation as per what my cultural scriptures say. I decided to live my life with my learnings so far. One of the guidelines that I created for my life during my young college days is “God would appreciate me when I bring smiles on the faces of my fellow people. The number of people and quality of smile matters” and I was somehow very very sure about this and that became one of my strongest principles in my life.

I think basically because of this principle and my strong quest towards spirituality I was attracted towards the concepts of NLP. My strong sense of “self” to do what I really want helped me choose NLP as my future!!

Now, this is my first trip to the UK for the TQM research conference to present my paper on NLP and TQM and of course this is going to be my first hand experience of a new culture, for which the only introduction that I had was the Hollywood movies, which I have seen.

I first visited a small village called Ayr in Scotland for my conference and went on to see a few cities in the UK including London. I was very much excited by the extreme kindness of the people, advancements in the building designs, technological excellence (Ticketing system in Tubes), Cleanliness, Discipline of the crowd while boarding trains (not the case in India), Priority for the Disabled People in educational institutions, Respect for the pedestrians on the Roads etc.. I was taken back by the traffic buttons for the pedestrians to stop the traffic to cross the roads. It is not just the technology but also the priority given by the English Government to the pedestrians.

It was hard for me to believe and experience that a different kind of world existed in the same earth, where I lived for so many years. They too exist like me and others in India, but with an entirely different life style, different practices of worship, different culture altogether.

During early childhood, many Indian mothers used to tell their children that god would poke his/her eyes with the spear, when they don’t listen or do anything which is not acceptable to our culture (for example, if the child touches the books with the foot or if the child cuts his nails on a Tuesday/Saturday or if the child doesn’t take oil bath on a festival day, etc..).

Now I was seeing that God has not poked the eyes of so many people who are living life different to the way, I was taught. May be the God here would poke the eyes (or do something else) here for different reasons to help the children listen to their mother. I thought many people in both countries lived in different worlds, believing their own world as truth.

I used to go around with my head-up that my ancestors should have been the wisest in the world and hence their practices and cultural priorities should be the wisest too. I felt unhappy about the areas where my country was left behind. For the first time my belief about my ancestor’s wisdom was challenged that if India is left behind in the world in many areas of excellence, if some of our cultural practices doesn’t respect the human values of love and affection, then there is something for me to think about..

If the same God who would poke my eyes if I don’t adhere to my cultural practices, has created a different culture and different life style else where on the earth, what is the reason behind??

I did not have any reason with my learnings then!! I started re-connecting the dots in a new fashion to understand my world around.

In the process, I had this opportunity to meet this “NLP at Work” author, Sue Knight, one of the pioneers in the business world of NLP. I thought I had good rapport skills which I probably unconsciously modeled from my father and his business. I am here to meet some one who is an international coach for both – Business and NLP. I met Sue and Colin in their home “Great Oaks”. I felt a unique warmth with Sue and Colin. I remember Colin questioning me “Bartenders and NLP??” when I said about my research with bar benders and NLP. I didn’t understand “bartenders” and Sue explained me that it was a joke and what the joke was!! I smiled 2 minutes later!! Sue promised to let me organize her programmes in India, whenever that happens and also invited me to her December programme in the UK.

I respected the English culture, but I was in love with Indian culture, though my confusions remained and so I felt very happy to return back to India. I had two choices and I need to make one – December Masters Semester Exams in my college for which I had all my support system or Sue’s “Introducing NLP” workshop in Bix Manor for which I just had “my will” with me.

I wondered whether to trust Sue and Colin and bet on my exciting adventurous future based on my instincts or to trust the college exams to take care of my steady guaranteed boring future based on the advices of the people around??

I chose to bet on some one whom I knew very little, whom I have just met an hour in a foreign land in a foreign culture and I trusted my dreams. I trusted that Great Oaks Warmth! I trusted that love!! I trusted the English Culture!!

All I believed is if I can make it to Bix, then Sue would do the necessary for me to succeed in life. I did not know what is there beyond that point in my life.

In Indian way of learning, a sishya (disciple) is expected to submit him/herself completely to the guru (Master) and to believe in guru 100% to support him to learn all that he/she can. The stories of gurukula tells you how the student (even a king’s son/daughter) submits him/herself along with other children to the Guru, who lives in the forest and do the daily chores assigned by the Guru by staying in his hut and eating the common food. Ekalaiva’s story is a typical example, which sets the standard for a student’s mind.

I am willing to learn NLP. The guru that I selected was from a different culture. However I submitted myself as per my culture and expected to learn. The first challenge came in my way that it is important to call her by name, as per her culture and for me, that is a way of disrespect even if it is going to be some one elder to me and how about a guru??

Sue would sound “Madam?? Here we usually address someone as high as the queen like that!! You may call me Sue!” I would go “what? Calling you Sue???” I don’t know probably it took months for me to call her Sue and understood calling some one by name is also still a mark of respect, as per English Culture. I started negotiating between what was important to me and what was important to Sue. Though both of our outcomes were the same, we were negotiating about the understanding of each other’s “how” of it.

There was something beyond our cultures, which connected us in that negotiation.

During one of Sue’s visit, my mother came down from my native town to meet her. The situation was that we were all in Chennai with Sue and my father was busy in my hometown. So my mother had to travel alone if she wants to meet Sue. For the first time in her life, she traveled alone on a train to Chennai to meet Sue. Sue was surprised when she came to know that my mother cooked three times a day in our home, all through her life. Most of the Indian women do that.

When Sue and my mum met each other and exchanged broken words of Indian English and British English, I found tears in my mother’s eyes, when she explained how she abandoned her dreams of becoming a doctor at the age of sixteen, when she was married to my father…something that we have taken for granted and joked around since our childhood days, when my mother used to show us her school notebooks and drawings to justify that she is one of the best students in her school.

A few years later when I was in my home, my mother was recollecting Sue and Colin’s meeting and she was talking to me as if they were the only ones, who really connected to her, who really understood her…perhaps that is the truth, which I realized when she read out the note which Sue and Colin has written in one of the greeting cards, they sent to my mum. It read as follows.

“Oct 26, 2002

Dear Ashok's mother, (I only know you by this name)

It was such a special to meet you yesterday and to spend time learning about your amazing way of life and especially to hear your beautiful singing. Your company on our visit to mahabalipuram temple made our time there very special. We have so enjoyed being with Ashok. It is a privilege to work with him and I will do everything to make his work a success, but also Arul and Anand. You have three magnificent sons, who are a tribute to you as a mother I know how wonderful it is to know that your sons have grown into caring, generous, compassionate and successful men. I hope that in future trips, I will have time to learn more from you and your family. You have a lot that you can teach us and may be then, Colin can teach you computing.

With our Sincere Thanks,

Sue and Colin”

When I went for my Master Practitioner course, I found my group of participants so nice, friendly and understanding. I developed a deep rapport with many of them even before I met them. Ann was one special person who shared a lot of her love on the blog with every one. Ann gave me a hug when I stepped into Bix and met her for the first time on the Master Practitioner course and quickly apologized minutes later that she did not know that it is not a custom in India to hug when you meet people!! I was like…oh that’s ok!!

Jamie surprised me with a bowl of rice during lunch on one day, specially cooked for me and surprised me with Indian food. He said he would join me too and eat rice that day for lunch. He didn’t know that Rice needs a dhal or some sabji to eat with. I scouted the lunch table and found a salad which was little spicy and tasted well with rice. Jamie and I had the same food, with a few more joining us and the most important thing is I and Jamie ate using our hands, as I told him that’s how I eat in my home.

Mary Baxter, one other delegate on the course invited me to her farm house for dinner. This was my first visit to an English Farm. It was late evening and Sue permitted me on one condition that Mary would drop me back to Sue’s house, as it would get late for me to return on my own to Sue’s home, where I stayed. I met with Mary’s cat. She showed me the doves. We both went and fetched the eggs from the chickens. Then we had a freshly cooked lamb for dinner. It is a dinner to cherish.

Lynda Cant, Anita, Judy, Tim….I can go on naming each and every one on the course, counting my experiences with them. It has been a very special time of my life.

On the final day, when I got my certification from Gene and Sue, the entire team of delegates bought me a bottle of champagne and surprised me again and said though it is not acceptable as per my culture, but still this is how they celebrate in the UK and presented me the champagne and said there is no need for me to drink (as I had told them that my culture doesn’t support it) but just to take home as a token of love from the group. I accepted it happily with respect and came back winning a lot of English friends, as I flew back home.

There are no words to explain what went on between us. May be the word “love” comes to the closest!!

On my way, I stopped in Sri Lanka to know the culture there and to explore business prospects of NLP in that country. I found an accommodation which is a kind of bed and breakfast in a home. She was quite an old Sri Lankan native may be in her seventies, whose husband was heading one of the departments of UN in the past. She had lived a very proud life and now she was alone in her home with a maid for her help. Her son is a Naturopathy Healer and a Health Expert, who also lived most of his life in the UK and now he has settled back in Sri Lanka, who later become one of my friends. This lady was again a symbol of love. She would make sure that everything is done properly. When I start my day, she would get the breakfast ready and serve me sitting aside like my own grandmother. As I kept eating, she kept serving. I said Enough!! Enough!! . She would sound, then you need to keep fork and knife like this and that is how you communicate whether you have finished your breakfast or not, as per the Table Manners!! She was so loving and caring, that she would be sleepless if I come late and ask me the next day that how yesterday went and if everything was safe. I just did not know why she was so caring with me, a stranger from a different culture, who is just going to stay for a few days in her home on B&B basis and I found the reason, when I came back again from Singapore after a month. This time I stayed with her son in the neighborhood as she had only two beds in her home and they were booked already.  Even though, I eagerly went on to meet her to express my gratitude and to build on the relationship, to my surprise she was not able to recognize me at all. I told her she taught me the table manners, introduced her son to me etc...… She said she is getting old. Only the servant maid could recognize me. I was hurt and wondered why did she so love, if she is not going to remember me at all?? 

I realised it is her nature to love anyone whom she comes across and that is the simple reason. I still have her impression stamped in my heart, though it was just a few days of bed and breakfast stay in a new country.

Last summer, I along with my brothers went to participate in Sue’s Alumni Reunion in the UK. We stayed with Sue and Colin. One of these days, Colin took us to an English Pub on the countryside and Colin explained our doubts about the food and Arul asked what “Apple crumble” from the menu board is. Colin went on to explain that it is apple crumbled etc…and Arul did not understand what that is. He said we would order it for the dessert and we can taste it. I went for kippers. Anand had some kind of sea food. It was a lovely meal. Caught in-between the humour of Arul and Colin, We all left the pub and later Colin realized and reminded us that we had forgotten the apple crumble. We laughed.

After the alumni, we had this wonderful opportunity to spend a Sunday with Sue and Colin in Great Oaks.

We woke-up to the Sunday UK Culture, which I would go on to cherish all through my life. It is a beautiful day with warm sunshine with an ideal temperature. Sue planned to cut the grasses. Colin was all set to prepare the Sunday Lunch. We three were wondering what is our job?

Anand and Arul went on to learn how to mow the grass from Sue and started assisting her in mowing the lawn, while I was learning from Colin how to wash potatoes and helping him in the cooking. Some kind of practical NLP training from the experts of NLP on a typical Summer English Sunday!! Sue sounded, Ashok did you ever thought on your first trip here, your brothers would be mowing the lawn here one day and you would be washing potatoes??? I smiled back, thinking if we have adopted the Indian Gurukula learning style here.

After completing the works, while we were sitting on the garden table appreciating the mowed lawn, enjoying the beautiful sunshine and Sue brought us some red wine. Anand and Arul went on to taste, while my instant reaction was “NO”. I joined them with plain water saying “cheers”. Later, I thought about that “NO” many times and found it very interesting to think about it….I slowly started realizing that me and my principles are now slowly becoming more and more “externally referenced”. May be next time, I may want to tell a Yes!!

We all had a grand Sunday Lunch. Colin questioned, can you guess the dessert that I have prepared today for all of you?  Looking at his bright loving smile, I guessed “Apple Crumble”??? He said “Yeah! You got it right”

I guess there is no need for me to write now about how much I have fallen deeply in love with the English Culture, not just English culture…..may be with entire humanity at a very deeper level!!

I remember one of our famous saying about ‘Tamil Culture’ from the ancient scriptures, which says…

“Palayana kazhithalum,
Puthiana puguthalum” 

This means…

“The Old goes and
The New comes”

meaning “Change with time is a norm for the Tamil Culture”!!

For me, I think the new has just come!!

There is only love!!