Sue Knight

"We pardon as long as we love"

Duc Le Rochefoucauld.

I have been working with an aircraft components manufacturing company who wanted to develop and strengthen their family culture and to create a culture of continuous learning. I have worked with the Board and all the senior managers in the business and if there was one skill that has become more significant than all the rest in achieving their aims it is their ability to give and receive feedback. They champion this skill at Board level and it has rippled all the way through the business. I have sought to be an example at all times of someone who is able to give feedback in a way that stimulates learning and of someone who is able to take feedback no matter how it is given and no matter who is the giver. By and large I would say that I have achieved this but just last week I got a piece of feedback that I found myself wanting to reject and I was reminded just how sophisticated a skill it is to be able to give and receive feedback freely. So although I have written about feedback before (in the context of how Frank Farrelly - master of Provocative Therapy gives feedback) I want to revisit this as not only is it key to business generally but NLP offers us ways of developing our skills in this whole area.

What it helps to believe

To give and receive feedback in a way that stimulates learning it helps to believe that:

Everyone's perception is a truth for them and if we accept their feedback we help them to build their self-esteem as a person and we accept them. If we do not accept their 'truth' we do not accept the part of themselves that they are offering at that moment in time and therefore we do not fully accept them.

That ultimately the most alive place to be in that place where we are willing and able to feel all emotions and embrace them all as a source of strength, learning and growth.

That to fully accept and give feedback we need to be able to open both our head and our hearts to what is being offered.

That what we recognise in others we can only recognise because we have the structure of what we recognise within ourselves and therefore have the same capabilities as the person with whom we are engaging. For example I was recently feeling frustrated at the amount of time that my mother said she would need to prepare to come to visit us for Christmas. Three weeks in which to organise a trip to the hairdressers and a visit to the post office seemed extraordinarily long until I realised that I was frustrated with my own lack of speed to make a decision about dates for my work that was being asked of me by my business manager.

The nature of the world in which we live is such that we can no longer wait for the more traditional methods of learning. We must develop our ability to put out ideas and thoughts partly formed and develop them real time in the light of feedback received or triggered by that process. To survive today we are more dependent than ever on feedback loops and our ability to learn from them.

I would go so far as to say that if you can't easily receive feedback and give it then you are going to have a tougher time in business than is necessary. But if you can give and receive then you have fundamental skills needed to thrive in the high change high tech environment in which we live.

Receiving feedback

And I deliberately put the receiving first as I believe that we only have the right to give feedback if indeed we can receive it. So how can we do this?

If the feedback is anticipated then get yourself into rapport with the potential giver. Do this in practice or even just in your thinking so that you know that within yourself you have the relationship with the other person to connect with what they are saying whatever they feel about the relationship between you.

Always anticipate feedback and therefore always seek to be in rapport with everyone you know!

Remind yourself continually of the above presuppositions and if there are any that you find particularly challenging then keep those in your mind as a priority.

Create and use an anchor for the state in which you can most effectively receive feedback.

Open your head and your heart to the feedback and to the giver. Remember that accepting this feedback is a life source to your success in business and indeed in life today. If you want your relationships to flourish this is a skill to hone.

Be prepared to be vulnerable and know that that is ultimately a sign of strength.

Be prepared to be humble, put pride aside and be willing to apologise for any effect that you have had on anyone that has been adverse in any way by their perception.

Recognise that the only person who has control of the ability to build 100% rapport at any time is you.

If it is complex feedback that relates to others as well as yourself be prepared to unpack it so that you can respond to the part of it that is yours.

Find a source of inner strength and anchor that and use it

Recognise how by accepting what others perceive to be your gifts you are growing yourself and finding your unique vocation in life and encouraging others to do the same.

Be curious about the feedback - ask questions to find out what it is that you do that creates the perception that you are getting.

Imagine your improved performance having taken the feedback on board in a way that fits both for you and for others in your life.

Thank the giver for feedback and explain what you commit to doing with it

Do not defend, rationalise, explain, justify, disagree, say 'that is right' attack or shrug it off.

Embrace it

Learn to forgive

Giving feedback

Only, only when you know that you have the skill to receive feedback should you allow yourself to give it to anyone. And even then be sure that you have permission to do so. If you are not sure - ask!

Be in rapport with whoever you want to give feedback to and if you are not then don't bother giving it.

Run the feedback that you are going to give through yourself first of all so that you know how it applies to you as much as it applies to the other person.

Imagine how by accepting the feedback that both you and the other receiver of the feedback can improve the way that you are and the way that you work.

If the other person does not immediately accept the feedback find another way to give it unless they take away their permission for you to give it.

Maintain direct eye contact and imagine them receiving and using the feedback as you say it

Put any self consciousness aside as it is an indulgence

Frame the feedback first to say how the feedback has come about or what area of performance it relates to so that you warm your listener up to what is coming next.

Check that it has been understood and if you don't get a reaction to it ask for one so that you get feedback on the feedback!

You may have heard of the feedback or the criticism sandwich (praise then criticise then praise). Forget it - if you truly believe that feedback is a life source you will present all feedback as constructive. Give it as it comes.

Recognise that the response that you get from others is the part of them that you are choosing to engage with. If I find you stupid it is because I am choosing to engage with the stupid part of who you are from the stupid part of myself. If I find you engaging then that is what I have chosen to find and engage with you and that is because I am engaged with and accept that part of myself.

Be an example at all times of what you want others to be.

Ask the receiver of the feedback to tell you what they are going to do with the feedback. Sometimes it helps to know this before you give it i.e. if I give you this feedback what will you do with it (useful if you know that someone has a habit of shrugging it off or other avoidance strategies)

Always be in a position to give feedback and to answer a direct question - e.g. 'what feedback do you have for me?' I am often asked this by leaders in business who are often starved of honest and frank feedback. I have learned over the years that this an opportunity not to be missed and playing for time is to miss the opportunity.

There is lots more but I rather think that I have reached my word count! Maybe more in a future article. And how about sending me some feedback about this article and any other of mine that you have read? You can find out if I am the example of what I believe! And you can let me know.